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I do not know how I'm gonna say this out, but what I'm feeling now is just way beyond words' description and beyond everyone's comprehension. I'm lost, confused and totally clueless about what lies ahead. My life is in a huge mess, and now I'm trying to pick up each and everything slowly, piece by piece, little by little. Sometimes I kinda prefer to just be alone, and think hard what I should do just to fix my already messed up life and put it back on track again.

I have always thought that everything in life is alright and going on smoothly. I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly.  Tho there were rocky times throughout this 1 year relationship, but he has changed so much for me and so do I. To me, life just seems to be great when cuz he is always there by my side to shower me with love and supports all the time. And so do our college life with our mutual friends. Life is just all sugar, spice and everything nice. Life just seems to be perfect.

But there is a little problem here, mayb not so little. He is not The One. He is not The One that God wants me to be with. Don't ask me how I know bcuz I just know. It's sorta like an instinct in my heart that screams out to me about what's right and wrong and what I shud do.

Initially, I've got all these guilty feelings bugging me from time to time, telling me not to engage in a relationship with him. But being a weakling as I always am, we got together cuz I like the feeling of having someone to rely on and to be my emotional support.

Gradually, the guiltyness had slowly passed me by bcuz love was in the air and everything that was wrong just seemed to be so right. I was then officially off track with God's way. I stopped listening to what He said to me and started to live my life my very own way. I was totally away from God. I seldom come to church, I neglected all my church friends, no more sisterly bonding times, no more cell group, no more fellowship. God has become someone whom I once known, but not close with anymore.

I only attended a couple of the services last year. Tho I got so refreshed and regained my spirit everytime I went to church, I still did not manage to reconnect with God. Later, my once 'perfect' life didnt seem perfect anymore and vanity started to hit me in the head, driving me really insane at times as I lost my balance. I started to realize that there was something missing despite having everything going on well and smooth in my life. And that 'something' was God.

And I knew that I had to reconnect with Him. By taking the next step forward to reconnect with God and get my life back on track, I have to make a major decision -- that is to break up with the boyfriend. Trust me, it's hard and it's full of agony to leave my very comfort zone and advance to another path that I have no idea what it gonna be ahead but there is always gonna be hope that lies ahead. That's the kind of 'walk in faith' that pastors kept on mentioning about. And it's never easy to make the first step to advance.

First of all, I was reluctant to let go. It's hard. It's just way too hard beyond my expectation. It ain't funny to just have someone you hold dear to just walk out from your life in abrupt. Honestly, I'm never prepared for that.

I was really fear and worried about all the changes that gonna happen. Our life in college, our mutual friends etc... Living together in the same roof just makes things harder, more awkward and more complicated. And this is my biggest fear all the while. I wish that we cud be best of friends forever, but I'm not too sure how is this gonna be happening. Worse, I had been neglecting all my friends all these while and that leaves me no one to be by my side to support me, no one to talk to or wat-so-eva. Being in a relationship kinda got me stripped off all my friends whom I used to be really close to. That really hit me damn hard and got me totally devastated. I mean, whom shud I call out when my angst is freaking at its best and when all I want is just someone to be there to tell me that everything gonna be alrite.

And the Holy Spirit is always sneaky. He has always has his own way to hit into ur heart to makes u to realize ur own mistake and get back on track. I had a fair share of my own. The guilt started to hit on me, the uncertainty in life lead me into minor depression again and I started to seek God once again. There are issues in our relationship and it leads to a point that we're in the midst of taking a break. And this little instinct in me appears again telling me to be firm to break it up this time around and get back on track while the weak side of me is telling me not to let go. Plus, everytime we wanted to break up, we ended up patching up everything together again. So I actually made a prayer and ask God to show me the way if He really wants me to break it up.

And so, it happens today. Instead of having all the pointless break up arguments that we once had, we managed to talk and discuss in peace. And we sorted out some of the issues. And we came to a term that we might be having a break from each other and see how it goes when uni resumes.

It's tough. And it's even tougher when you have to make a choice that is against your own will but is pleasing and obedient to God. And that is the only way out to regain the peace that I used to have in God.

Frankly speaking, I was in total devastation after I made the decision of taking a break. It was like there is no where and no one that I cud run to. In the midst of agony and desperation for a way out, I went to read my online daily bread, something that I haven't been doing for a long while. It was a passage with a message about smiles during trouble times and some jokes attached in the bottom. I cudn't really be bothered as I was not in the mood but the last sentence of the whole passage just appealed to me and hit me in the heart.
'
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Isn't the answer that I have been looking for just right there, on my face??
It's against my will yet I have to do it.

God, I love You but I seriously dun like it at this point of time.